A wire scrub brush rubbing back and forth furiously across every neuron in your brain. ZAP ZAP ZAP
Your head aches in such a way that an aspirin will not help.
A knife wielding its rigid edges across your heart,
Red drips down your legs to the floor.
People stop and stare.
Wipe up the blood!
A speeding bullet train heading straight for you
that has no light to warn.
SMASH#@& into your consciousness, full force,
leaves each thought jagged and sharp.
A black pit of quicksand that you desperately try to tiptoe across.
Sinking deeper and deeper until the only sight is the top of your head.
Help me! pushes through your throat
open your mouth to scream.
A nightmare from which there is no awakening. Bleak, gray shadows
in every corner, blocking out all rays of sun
and air that is fresh.
A hurt that has no name, that cannot be explained, that eats away
ferociously at your spirit. You whisper through your tears,
God, where are you? Why can’t you hear me?
*** You cannot begin to know how desperately we want relief, free of this bondage. ***
We push through, like robots.
Get up. Brush teeth. Go to work.
Come home. Crawl under the covers. Pray for sleep.
We feel insane. We want to smile, laugh, open the blinds,
Try this pill, that pill. One plus three works. Then one stops. Try another. No luck.
The doctor says, Be patient.
The therapist says, Stay the course.
The priest says, God had a plan when he created you.
Each word is muffled, and incredibly hard to hear.
Even breathing is hard.
We don’t sleep to dream; we sleep for a break from the heavy thud
stampeding our once-upon-a-time happy hearts.
We try to believe it will pass, that it won’t last much longer./
!!!Suicide is selfish???
Unless you’ve stood on the train tracks waiting for the 6:38 train,
swallowed 50 sleeping pills and somehow woke up,
held a shotgun to your head and begged for the strength to pull the trigger,
you will never know
how F33.0 feels,
The truth is we don’t know anymore than you do why we can’t JUST…
So please, be patient.
That’s all we ask.
Love us even when it’s hard.